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Silly Limerick Poems by Graham Lester Click here for my NEW poetry blog Young Froggie went courting one day With a white water plantain bouquet. He said, “Marry me, do.” She replied, “Marry you? That’s pondweed, you cheapskate! No way!” “I have prayed,” said a mystic named Keating, “For the reason that life is so fleeting, And I’m just on the brink Of an answer, I think, If the Lord . . .” (here his heart just stopped beating). We've fat jaded ladies—a hoard! But our health spa's expenses have soared. My partner said, quote: "We should just buy a boat, And board the broad bored broads aboard." There was a young fellow of Putney Who would eat only lentils and chutney. He chose to migrate To an Indian state, But he died there of terrible glutney. I arrived at the Hotel Belle Vue With my kanga and motorbike too. Said the doorman, “Good day! Am I right when I say That you’re needing a vroom with a roo?” There are three thousand girls in distress In a basement at USPS, Where the postmaster hides All the mail-order brides That were lacking a proper address. Though you don’t know quite why or quite what, You are drawn by this feeling you’ve got. That’s what’s called “intuition”: A compelling suspicion That your mind has a plan you do not. If a thought that’s been thought has been “thunk” Have those dreams that we’ve sought all been “sunk”? Should “we ought” be “we unk”? Can what’s fought be what’s “funk”? And those stocks that we bought, were they “bunk”? A preposterous father named Spencer Got his daughter deprogrammed from Mensa. The group, he construed, Had darkened her mood-- Now she’s lighter by far, she’s just denser. The Darwin debate never ceases, For he wounded the pride of our species When he made you and me Share the family tree With those monkeys that love to fling faeces. The people who live in glass houses Should watch what they do with their spouses: Don’t smoke outlawed grasses, Throw stones, or break glasses, And for God’s sake don’t take off your trouses. An ardent young Buddhist named Guy Signed up as a monk on the sly, But his dear mother Lana Said, “Screw your nirvana: Wait ‘til somebody loses an I . . .” When my ditties were failing pathetically, I was told I should think arithmetically. They said, "Count out the meter, So the verses run sweeter": Meter rules are the yardstick, poetically. Two hookers named Rose and Marie Were drowned in a whirlpool at sea. Now the other girls try To remain safe and dry On the land -- to avoid whirled whore three. I've no fear of the mean streets of Skokie — I'm adept at concealed karaoke: If I'm under attack, There's a switch that I whack — Then it blares out a loud "Hokey Pokey". The archaic afront means "afore." It's not an "affront" (one F more), So don't blow your stack, Or be taken aback, For afront was "in front" (but before). A cow in a field cried, “Awake! We have all made a ghastly mistake. I’ve been forced to conclude That this herd has been screwed-- We’re not here to make shakes, but for steak.” An abstemious heiress named Best Was ignorant how to invest. She put all of her money Into locusts and honey: The losses were hard to digest. The in-crowd from Cassiopeia Visit England in spaceships each yeia. Do you want to know why? It's the one place nearby Where they still can get decent warm beia. A lover lamenting his fate Once lept from the Empire State Due to heartless young Pam. She did not give a damn, But her brothers both thought it was great. Though our folks love to shoot and to bet, There's a plan the state hasn't tried yet: It could raise mean IQ, And increase funding too, If it sponsored some Russian Roulette. In a thunderstorm, dear Uncle Bart Was struck down playing “How Great Thou Art” For good cheer, far from home, On his new metal comb-- An ironical way to depart. There once was a potter named Bess Who said, “Practice, although you’ll make mess. Your creations might suck, But do not curse your luck, For to suck is halfway to success.” A sailing ship skipper of note Who encountered rebellion afloat, Overwhelmed by demands, Placed his head in his hands-- Then his hands’ heads he hanged from the boat. “Now, Cubs, don’t those humans look chunky?" Said a grisly bear, hirsute and hunky, "And I bet they taste sweet, But do not touch the meat-- It’s genetic’lly modified monkey.” An unscrupulous bird is the stork: He dines with no knife and no fork; No agency vets All those newborns he gets, And when asked where they’re from, he won’t tork. Affectionateness is a virtue To which I would like to alert you. It's rather like gin: Too much does you in, But I don't think a little would hurt you. Sylvester found out his wife, Lisa, Had employed a mean underworld geezer To kill him – how bad! But he really got mad When he noticed it charged on his Visa. I once knew a man who was poor Who used to sell dogs door to door. If you asked, "Is this legal?" He'd slip you a beagle, Saying, "Gift for your wife – say no more!" Epitaph for the Generic Citizen My employers all thought they could own me, And my relatives wanted to stone me; Life’s a bitch, as they say, And I found it that way, Still, you have my permission to clone me. Click here for my NEW poetry blog You are welcome to repost any of my limericks that I have posted here on your web page as long as you clearly credit me – Graham Lester – as the author A Few Limericks for Children! |