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Clean Limerick Poems

by Graham Lester

A very flat lady from Cheddar
Was passed through the new office shredder
By a curious boss,
A significant loss--
C o m i n g o u t s h e
c o u l d n o t h a v e
b e e n d e a d e r

If captured at gunpoint you’ve got
To keep cool, oxymoron or not.
A point on a gun?
No, I’ve never seen one,
But don’t argue the point – you’ll get shot.

The crew of the famous Thor Heyerdahl
Lamented, "We're just far too teyerdahl
Why on earth did you hire us?
We can't sail a papyrus!"
But he shouted, "Shut up, or you're feyerdahl"

Listen here, I’ll propose something to ya:
We can trademark the word “hallelujah.”
My lawyer, Joe Isthmus,
Could do it by Christmas--
Then we tell people, “Sing it? We’ll sue ya!”

He proposed out of doors, suitor Ed
With a poem he'd written, which said:
"Love, I've no Diamond ring
But the Heart - that's the thing"
Then the Club from her Spade knocked him dead

There once was a self-searching Pole
Who discovered a hole in his soul,
But his hopes were not sunk--
He enrolled as a monk,
And filled it with one empty bowl.

An intrepid explorer named Petty
Intended to capture a yeti,
But the yeti yelled, “Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.”

I fondly recall Uncle Jake
And the balsa wood planes that he'd make.
He had always a smile
And a chisel or file—
Let's hope Folsom allows him this cake.

“Lord, we finally got into Canaan,
But we think you should do some explanaan.
Forty years isn’t funny:
Where’s the milk? Where’s the honey?
Where’s the benefits promised in trainaan?”

Aristotle, 330 BC,
Invented the cable TV,
But that vain Alexander
Declared, “In all candor,
It’s not as exciting as me.”

A very fast chauffer named Kottle
Drove over a cliff at full throttle,
To boldly avoid
A huge asteroid,
But that bastard, his boss, blamed the bottle.

Most modern composers avoid
Old methods we've always enjoyed,
But no grudge do I harbor
For Samuel Barber:
He's almost as good as Pink Floyd.

An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a cayman that ate 'er.
Said her trainer, "Tough deal!
What a minimal meal—
We should throw it some greens and potater."

There’s a girl who's a charm and delight,
For she laughs at each quip that I write,
And for this I’d endeavor
To say she’s extra clever,
But she might just be extra polite.

There once was a girl of Cape Cod
Who did not believe in a God.
To get her to pray
On Thanksgiving Day
It took an unholy sharp prod.

There once was a Viking who roared:
“Go and fetch me a cobbler aboard!
I’m equipped, and I’m oared,
And can handle my sword,
But I just cannot sandal my horde.”

The spider alit by Miss Muffet
Asking, "Why can't we both share the tuffet?
We shall eat curds and whey
Together. What say?"
But Miss Muffet said, "My tuffet? Stuff it!"

There are many inventions of note
But the greatest of all, I would vote,
Is the one that puts sanity
Back in reach of humanity:
That’s the mute button on the remote.

His piety took Mr. Morehouse
From Luxury’s lap to the poorhouse,
But his last, greatest trial
Was to give up denial:
He’s a pianist now at a whorehouse.

A geometry student named White
Made a left by mistake at the light.
She turned left three times more,
With intent to be sure,
For she needed four wrongs to make right.

A nutty old lady named Gwynne
Said “Your prayers to God are a sin,
And that’s why I never
Reply to them ever:
I simply pretend I’m not in.”

An inscrutable lady named Fong
Would constantly bang on a gong.
Said her doctor, “I find
You’ve an unbalanced mind—
You should strive for more ding and less dong.”

It's really a little perverse
To say cursing the darkness is worse
Than lighting a candle?
For, how do you handle
The fact it's more cheap in reverse?

Two fakirs once met on the Way.
One would eat only glass, so they say,
And the other just sat
And refused even that,
So they both remained jealous all day.

The pursuit of self-glorification
And complete undeserved adulation
Isn’t minded at all
If you have enough gall
To say, “I do it all for the nation.”

To apostatize means to depart
From the faith that you had at the start.
Then the ones who abide
Can discuss your false pride,
And your stubborn, iniquitous heart.

There was a young lady of Clapham
Who had too many kids and would slap ‘em,
Till the council said, “Cease!”
Now she calls the police
And they come round with tazers and zap ‘em.

A marvelous couple named Fox
Were buried in two great big socks--
An end that was fitting,
For both so loved knitting,
And always thought outside the box.

A studious fellow named Frye
Would not let an error slip by.
His care was fantastic
Asked, “Paper or plastic?”
He took seven weeks to reply.

In a flash, at the drop of a hat,
Without further ado, just like that,
In the blink of an eye,
It's that old custard pie,
And your dignity's gone with a splat!

To sum it all up in one word,
Existence is clearly absurd--
A cold world of hot air,
But at least we can share
In the wonder it ever occurred.

A troubled young lady named Stark
Announced, "I'm in fact Joan of Arc!"
Then created a stench
With harangues in loud French
And by burning herself in the park.

You are welcome to repost any of my limericks that I have posted here on your web page as long as you clearly credit me – Graham Lester – as the author

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