There was a young lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Now this sorry young lass
Is quite covered in grass,
But has all the tomatoes she needs.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
There once was a girl in the choir
Whose voice rose up hoir and hoir,
Till it reached such a height
It went clear out of seight,
And they found it next day in the spoir.
Is Algebra fruitless endeavor?
It seems they’ve been trying for ever
To find x, y, and z
And it’s quite clear to me:
If they’ve not found them yet then they'll never.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, "Where
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
A peach-picking foreman named Rick
Runs a peach-picking outfit that's slick.
Each day, to a man,
They pick all that they can,
And each night they can all that they pick.
There was once a young girl who said : "Why
Can't I look in my ear with my eye?
If I put my mind to it
I'm sure I can do it.
You never can tell till you try."
An intrepid explorer named Petty
Intended to capture a yeti,
But the yeti yelled, “Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.”
There was an old man of Dumbree,
Who taught little owls to drink tea;
For he said, 'To eat mice,
Is not proper or nice'
That amiable man of Dumbree.
A native of Chalamazug
Once fell overboard from a tug.
He cried, “Ding-dong boller
Doo jango zong zoller,”
Which means “Glug-glug glug glug-glug glug.”
A circus performer named Brian
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
There was a young fellow named Flynn
Who was really remarkably thin.
When he carried a pole
People said, “Bless my soul!
What a shock to find out you’ve a twin.”
A schoolboy more cheeky than clever
Stroked his teacher to death with a feather.
Though it was a fowl deed,
All the jury agreed,
Were it not for the laughs he’d have never.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared-
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
The bicycling poodle he saw
Made the cop on the beat drop his jaw;
It was easy to tell
That it rode rather well,
Though its hand signals truly were paw.
A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd
She was frightened, it must be allowed,
Soon a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and meowed
There was a bold pirate of Boulder
Whose cutlass was slung from his shoulder.
He’d mighty fine notions
Of plundering oceans,
But his mom said: “Perhaps, when you’re older.”
A war correspondent named Guido
Was struck by a flying torpedo,
So they called up his boss,
Who deployed the Red Cross--
They found only a sleeveless tuxedo!
A schoolboy named Jeremy Hoff
Found a little green man in his broth,
Who yelled, “Save me, don’t frown
I need help or I’ll drown”--
Then they both needed time to cool off.
An unfortunate girl of Algiers,
Who was constantly weeping for years,
Saved the drops in a tank
That she kept in a bank,
Till some safe-breakers burst into tears.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear,
For I’m sure that the rumor
That they’ve no sense of humor
Is a product of ignorant fear.
There was a young lady of Ryde
Who ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her inside.
A bashful young schoolgirl named Rose
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down by their tails from her clothes.
There was an old person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea, and one bean;
For he said, 'More than that,
Would make me too fat,'
That cautious old person of Dean.
Alas for the death of Hugh Hannity
Whose boat was capsized by a manatee.
When they saw it swim by,
All the townsfolk would cry:
“There he goes! Oh the beast! The Hugh manatee!”
A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot, or . . .
To tutor two tooters to toot?"
“I talk,” claimed a linguist named Hamill
“With every species of mammal”
When asked for a reference
He said, “What’s your preference?
My mother-in-law, or my camel?”
There once was a girl who said, “How
Shall I manage to carry my cow?
Every time that I ask it
To get in my basket,
It makes such a terrible row.”
There was a young lady of Bath,
Who resembled, alas, a giraffe.
When she queued for the bus,
All the babies would fuss--
And their elders threw hoops for a laugh.
“I can pick up a cent with my toes,”
Said a boastful young person named Mose,
But sharp-witted Millie
Replied, “That's just silly--
I can do the same thing with my nose.”
There is a young schoolboy named Mason
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facin’.
There once were two cats of Kilkenny.
Each thought that was one cat too many,
So they started to fight
And to scratch and to bite--
Now, instead of two cats, there aren't any.
A proud tightrope walker named Jenny
Said, "Nets? I refuse to use any,”
But, making a wave,
She tumbled and gave
One breathless performance too many.
There was an old man of Peru
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe.
He woke in the night,
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true.
On a bike race through Scotland did ped-al
A speedy French rider who led-all.
“Is my lead big?” he cried
“Wee,” a Scotsman replied,
So he slowed down and won no gold med-al.
"My ambition," said old Mr. King,
"Is to live as a bird on the wing."
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
There was an old man of Dundalk,
Who tried to teach fishes to walk;
When they tumbled down dead,
He grew weary, and said,
'I had better go back to Dundalk!'
Three tigers escaped at eleven
From the famed Paignton Zoo, down in Devon.
They were searching the streets
For some fresh crunchy treats,
But I caught them in verse -- Oh, thank Heaven!
In the village of Jingamafloo,
They don’t look at the world like we do.
When a gentleman dies
His dear wife shouts, “Surprise!
Now we’ll all get a little more stew.”
A talkative tourist named Margot
Was handed a plate of escargot
At a fancy French feast,
Then her chattering ceased
And the whole crowd soon heard her new car go.
I arrived at the Hotel Belle Vue
With my kanga and motorbike too.
Said the doorman, “Good day!
Am I right when I say
That you’re needing a vroom with a roo?”
A rather disgruntled young Viking
Found plunder was not to his liking
When they yelled, “All ashore”
He just threw down his oar
And announced, “I’m not striking, I’m striking”
"There's a train at 4:04," said Miss Jenny
"Four tickets I'll take; have you any?"
Said the man at the door,
"Not four for 4:04,
For four for 4:04 is too many."
There once was a baby named Lou
And he grew and he grew and he grew
And he grew and he grew
And he grew and he grew,
But he stopped when he reached six foot two.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, "Tough deal!
What a horrible meal—
We should throw it some greens and potater."
What a limerick is in a crunch
Is a bit like a loony’s light lunch
Though it briefly delights
It’s just four nutty bites
Swallowed down with a ludicrous punch
You are welcome to repost any of the limericks written by me that I have posted here on your web page as long as you clearly credit me – Graham Lester – as the author. The kids limericks not written by me derive from 19th Century or early 20th Century originals and I am pretty sure that they are all in the public domain.